My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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