he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
