You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We need to get me chipped asap
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
