sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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