I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
