And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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