I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
