So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
