I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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