I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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