It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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