weddingsv make me drug and hornr
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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