HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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