I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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