Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
