I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
