just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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