That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
