you traded sex for a burrito?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
