why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
