Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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