No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
