I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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