my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
