apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
