so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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