cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
