This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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