sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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