just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
