Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
