Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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