Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
