Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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