I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
