so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
