i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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