Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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