Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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