I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
