I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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