Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
