You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
