My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
