Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
