the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
