some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
