At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just found a bag of teeth...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
