The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
