I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
