OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
