My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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