I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
