i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Did I show you my penis last night?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
