Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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