I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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