I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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