There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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