I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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