Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just pee around me
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
