As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
